The following is the first chapter of my forthcoming novel FATHERHOOD FOR FUCKHEADS, set for a mid-June release in both ebook and hardback. Stay tuned for the specific date.
Pump pump squirt.
Nine months later
Boris.
Congratulations Fuckhead, you just changed your life. For the better? Probably, but you’ll just have to wait until Boris is out of his diapers and the moment you’re allowed to reclaim your wife’s plump jugs. Don’t those feeders look delicious? Shoot, man. What’s in them tastes like armpits though, so there’s that. You get the leftovers, and the leftovers are skint.
So, you’re a dad—who woulda thought, guy. Definitely not me. Would it bother you to know that I had different plans for you? A couple weekends from now, before this entire baby-thing began—pregnancy and all—I’d intended for you to be out on a road trip with the boys, but alas, things have changed, son. You got a phone right? Acclimate yourself with the best free porno there is and get used to sexually manipulating yourself in the bathroom—learn to master the art of leaving the pooper stinking as though you actually let one fly. Remember to flush or else face questions like:
“Why’s your face so red?”
“Big shit,” you’d say.
“I didn’t hear you flush.”
And it’s at that moment you know your wife knows you just had your cock in your hands and you were working it like you were thirteen again and shooting pearly ropes to the thought of Kendra Wilkinson and the other two Girls Next Door and smiling Jack- Nicholson-wide, your fingers peeling apart like they’re webbed. Yikes!
Golly is it ever strange to see you holding that thing. Fragile, eh? Kinda scary to know that thing in your hands needs you to survive, and bucko, your wife needs you too. Sometimes it’ll seem like she’s got it—and the chances say she’ll tell you she’s got it—but it’s on you to man-up and find a way to be there without really declaring that you’re there. Make sense? It’s not supposed to. Fatherhood’s a riddle that some men just don’t solve; fatherhood’s a riddle not intended for every man to experience; some men just don’t care enough to solve that riddle, and that’s a goddamn shame because where’s the fun in that? Would you rather be on a road trip with the boys seeking out holes to put your thingy in? If so, nobody’s stopping you—just be aware of what you’re leaving behind. Look at your wife, who just fired Boris out her front-can and ripped her precious taint; look at Boris and his misshapen head. Aren’t they fucking beautiful? What you’re looking at right now is the pinnacle of beautiful things despite all the blood and sweat and feces and wailing.
Truth.
Let’s talk about your wife.
Tough bitch, huh?
Have you ever tried fentanyl or oxycodone? If you haven’t, fuckin’ give it a whirl, man.
But about your wife:
She’s blasted outta her skull on a cocktail of intravenous opiates and the first thing she did once Boris completed his journey out the womb and through the vaginal canal like an eight-pound misplaced shit was eagerly grab him from the nurse’s hands to give him a big ol’ hug, staining her hospital smock with colourful bits and bobs and odds and ends from the unreachable depths of her pulverized cooter. Note: your wife asked for neither more drugs or a beer, and she definitely didn’t get up and dance. As a matter of fact, Boris’s birth has sobered her entirely lo there you stand all woozy and such with that bottle of Macallan 12-Year you got in your hospital bag so heavy on your mind it hurts; you’re jacked to bust down to your buddies and your father and your father-in-law to smoke some cigars and to enjoy a couple whiskies—
Straighten your back, say nothing, and just watch, fucker; you can only be somewhere for the first time once and this a moment you’ll never forget and a moment not everybody’s blessed to ever experience so fall into it, and when the moment’s right, when the room is quiet and the apple of your eye, so tired, is quiet herself, lean over and tell your wife,
“I love you,”
And smile through the night and into the rest of your life and beyond into a blessed forever.
FATHERHOOD FOR FUCKHEADS will be released mid-June in ebook and hardback via all major retailers and my website. You’ll enjoy it.